My last actual blog post was in 2010..We were in a moving truck moving from Fort Worth to small town USA north of Austin..aka Central Texas.
Its funny we moved and then it was like I hit a wall.
You see, when we moved all bright-eyed from Fort Worth I had BIG dreams of what I was going to do, what I thought God was going to do and how I felt God could use me.
What a refining ocean it has been.
It is in these last 3 years I have learned I have a gluten intolerance and am unable to bite into that hot buttery roll or enjoy that creamy pink sauced pasta..big deal for one who loves food and the joy of cooking.
I have also come to realize that of no apparent reason other than Gods hand are we are not able to have babies. The joy of nausea and the whole 9 month process of growing and glowing and unwanted belly touching will not be mine.
I held tightly to my degreed life and what I felt God owed me.
Pointing my finger to Him saying look at what all I have done for you.
Look at the sacrifices I have made and the good life I have chosen to live.
You owe me!
You OWE me!
Ugh! it just sickens me to read this.
grasping at all the self-made idols I put my hope in.
the white picket fenced life I set out to live.
---graduate high school, go to college, meet my husband, get married, have kids and swing on the wrap around porch in the still of the day.
There is nothing wrong with the above, but for me my hope was in stability, safety, and simplicity. Anything outside of that I truly felt was punishment from God, because after all He owed me this because I held up my end of the deal.
The overflow of this realization came out as I quickly began to type in my note taker on my phone..
i,ve been living behind the mask
the mask well crafted to cover the trash
the trash that heaps of all my handmades
what of hell has been my statues
of crafted safety staged comfort
stitched tight efficiency
to the month..the week..the day..the second
slowly sweeps the picket fence
and the echo of tiny feet to pitter patter
on the wood grain floors
i had no idea how i grasped so tightly
to my hardened sand castles
one crumble at a time
my mirage of safety disappears..
whats behind the disappearing mirage
oh guys, its God
He is bigger, better, more beautiful than I ever imagined.
His depths are more than I can think.
Its funny to think the more I open my white knuckled grasp on what I think my life is supposed to look like,
the more freer I become and the bigger God gets. He busts downs the walls of the box I had Him in and slowly I am seeing that God has dreams for my life and they are much sweeter than what i imagined.
I see that Jesus really is the sweetest Name I know.
so yeah!
it is 2013 for 2 more months
and the road ahead I invite you on.
as one who really doesn't have it all figured out.
But i do follow The One who does.
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